Friday, August 04, 2006

The Test

Reading an excellent post over at today, I was struck by something profound:

"It was, and has always been about just two things: acceptance, and sacrifice.

It's so odd, because love makes you accept the things that in normal circumstances, you would not consider, and it also makes you sacrifice the things that you usually wouldn't think of sacrificing.

That's where it becomes a test."

It made me consider just what I would accept and sacrifice for my wife and my son. I have accepted that the last few years have been difficult. I have sacrificed sleep, money, friends, and even the relationship between Laural and I in an attempt to be a (good?) husband and father. I always believed that it was the way it was supposed to be. It's true what they say... Hindsight is always 20/20.

I mentioned in my last post that I have started counseling for depression and stress. A big part of this therapy is keeping a journal of stuff you do in the day. The nice things you do for your wife, your son, other people in your life. The bad things you're feeling, the dark thoughts you can't shake... It all goes down on paper. When I review what's been written, it drives me to write more, to do more for Laural and Matthew, to accept more and to sacrifice more. It allows me to gauge my moods, and see what types of incidents cause me to become depressed or stressed, whether they're caused by me or others, and what I attempted to do to rectify the situation. It is great. It has made me realize where I have communication issues with Laural, and how it can cause me to feel depressed. I can see where my lack of a spine at work causes me to feel more stress. It has made me see that everything I've complained about the world doing to me, is actually me doing it to myself, and that needs to change.

"acceptance, and sacrifice ... This is where it becomes a test" Wow. For me, this is truly where it becomes a test. Where does my depression come from? MY jealousy and mistrust. Where does my stress come from? MY lack of spine. Where does anything in my life I complain about come from? Me. It's all me baby! :) This is the test. Can I turn it around in time? Can I change the very being I've become? Can I let go, accept, sacrifice? Can I do better for Laural? Matthew? Myself?

I won't allow myself to have the choice. I can change.

As I said in my first post, music is a big part of my life. I've never really listened to the lyrics of Evanescence, although I do love the music. Today though, I was listening to 'My Immortal', and a small part of the song screamed out at me. I've included it below.

I'd love to walk away
and pull myself out of the rain
But I can't leave without you
I'd love to live without
the constant fear and endless doubt
But I can't live without you

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me